I'm Not a Parent But...

So I have very definite views on how children should be treated. I work for a summer camp and before than an afterschool program, I've been a babysitter for years, I want to teach, I want to be a parent one day, and I've been the one older kid that takes care of all the younger kids since I was no longer one of the younger kids. I know kids really well. And I have a few pet peeves about the way people treat kids. I'm not a parent. I have no kids of my own and I'm sure that when I AM a parent, I will be just as lost and confused as every other parent out there. I'm the eldest of three. I was the guinea pig child, I know now that my parents had to learn how to be parents, and I just had the bad luck of being born first.

But there are some things that people do to kids that drive me insane:

1. LIE to them. I'm not talking about the little lies, like, I love this drawing that you made (even though I can't tell what it is) or even really Santa, the Toothfairy and the Easter Bunny. Lying to make kids happy is ok. It's the lies about things that are important, things that we think they can't handle that I hate. Like the whole concept of death. Kids are not going to understand death, but that doesn't mean we should hide it from them. Yes, mommy/daddy/teacher/preacher/grandma/grandpa is going to die one day. Sexuality is another topic that is unnecessarily hidden from kids. They're going to hear things and they're going to ask questions. That's a given. Instead of beating around the bush, answer the questions as honestly as possible. The same thing goes for other topics like divorce, poverty, etc. Honesty begets honesty. We try to tell kids not to lie about things, but we lie to them unnecessarily all the time. Kids aren't stupid. They will eventually figure out you're lying and they'll be a lot more likely to get into trouble that way. As a summer camp counselor I can't answer the difficult questions, that responsibility is a parent's choice, and I respect that. it just bugs me. 
2. Along similar lines Talking down to them. Kids aren't stupid. They know when they're being treated like a baby, and they won't listen to you if you talk to them that way. Talk to them (appropriately) like their adults and they'll be much more likely to listen. If you happen to say a word or phrase they don't know, they WILL ask what it means, even the shy ones if you're talking one on one, and in a group the extroverted ones will ask and everyone will get the answer. If you're not sure how to define a word, think of a simple synonym that kids will understand, even if it's not an exact definition. Kids don't like to be babied.
3. Screaming/yelling/punishing unnecessarily. I have another counselor that I work with that cannot seem to get that there are some tasks that young kids (we have the youngest group) are not going to get right the first time, and she gets very easily frustrated. She has a tendency to scream at the top of her lungs to get their attention, usually in a somewhat shrill and angry tone. Do you sometimes need to raise your voice to get attention or to get a point across. Yes, absolutely. Does it need to be your first approach? Absolutely not. Teachers are taught to have a commanding, but not loud voice. The most successful classroom managers are teachers that can speak at a normal, indoor volume, and still command attention. Screaming and yelling usually only manages to either frighten kids or just does nothing to get their attention. On a similar note, punishment for every little tiny thing they do wrong doesn't work either. It's better to reward than to punish and it's better to teach responsibility and respect than to do either. Reward and punishment is a frequently used system, but it's flawed at best and damaging at worst. Rewards can be great motivators, but if it's the only way you can get a kid to clean up his mess, you're doing it wrong. Punishment is even less motivating and usually serves only to make kids mad, not as a chance to think about their actions. Punishment is definitely necessary at times, but so is a calm explanation (when both the caretaker and the kid are calm) of why the kid is being punished, and what he or she can do to correct it in the future. 
4. Extreme Parenting: I will have to define what I mean by this.
   In my job, I run into all sorts of parents, both good and bad, both agreeable and not so much with caretakers that aren't them. I think everyone should find their own parenting style, but there seems to be a trend (especially with youngish parents) of being on one extreme or the other of parenting. Meaning that parents are either helicopter, can't let the kid out of their sight for one second without flipping out, super strict rules about clothing, food, hobbies, etc. or their parents that are super "go with the flow", very loose rules, little to no supervision, and/or they're overly indulgent of the kid and let them do whatever they want
   This drives me nuts. The first parent (the heli-parent) is smothering. That kid is going to either be the rebellious teen who does everything he can to piss off mom and dad, or the kid so awkward and shy he has few friends, if any. Parental supervision is important, as are rules and guidelines and so forth, but parental pressure to be a certain way is part of what leads to teen suicide among LGBT youth. I'm not saying all heli-parents are bad parents or cause their kids to become rebels and suicide statistics, but it's pretty much a given that being overly vigilant is going to mess your kid up.
   Option number two is also unnerving to me. It suggests to me a lack of care. Letting your kid have a certain amount of freedom is one thing. Having your kid walk all over you is another. No, little Johnny does not necessarily know what's best for him. He's 6. If he gets to pack his own lunch (without supervision) it's going to be Fruit Roll Ups and Little Debbies. But letting him wear a batman costume to school is probably ok as long as it's not against the dress code of the school (and would cause him to get sent home) 
5. Parents that Think Their Kid is Perfect: parents who refuse to acknowledge that their kid has faults are the bane of teachers and child-care providers everywhere. Jimmy gets into a fight and mom blames the other kid involved. Jimmy gets an "F" and it's the teacher's fault. Jimmy gets hurt by jumping off a wall and the camp counselor should have been watching him better. No one is perfect. NO ONE. You love your kid, but that's not an excuse to blame others when something happens to him. Kids make mistakes, and it's the job of the adults in the kids' life to help him correct those mistakes, so he can become a better adult. Making a kid believe he has no faults is why douchebags exist. 

I could also go into the damaging gender roles parents (intentionally or unintentionally) teach their kids, but that's more of a society issue rather than a parenting issue, but it's a big contributor to bullying, and needs to be addressed. I'm going to write another post about bullying at some point.